ATTN OF: ME, July 13, 2005

SUBJECT: Arrival Letter

TO: You

1. Hi, my name is Mark R. Pettersen, and I have been appointed your sponsor at Araxos RRL, Greece. First, let me say that I'm looking forward to your arrival and the reason is because just as soon as you get off that plane, I'm out'a here. You poor fucking bastard, who did you piss off?
2. Let me begin by telling you a little about this insignificant hole in the wall. We are on a mountain top covered with sheep. We have no phones, no food, and very little water. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, we do have road kill three times a week. Sometimes they even give us utensils to use also!!
3. We do have a very nice little BX. It is stocked with the necessities. The problem is if you are not there in the first few minutes, everything is sold out. The Greeks routinely shut off our water and electricity. So don't bring a fucking thing with you. You won't need it. There are plenty of sights to see in Greece, but you won't have the transportation to get there. So don't bother to bring your camera. There are no football games, no basketball games, no anything. So if you are a sports fan....forget it!!
4. Let me tell you where you will be staying. It is in a NATO Dormitory. They call it that because it looks like it's been around since NATO's conception. Really, they are quite lovely. Complete with broken mirrors, broken tiles, and all the bugs in Greece.
5. About your mail. I would gladly give you a mail box, but we don't get any mail, so you won't need one. Don't feel too bad, you won't get your bills either!
6. There are some other fine points about this assignment. We are very close to the beach, and there are many naked, big breasted, German women there, but it's an AIDS colony. We also have a bowling alley, but it's broke. We have a ski boat and a sail boat, but they collided and sank. It's very hot in the summer, and if the Greeks have shut off our water and electricity, you are stuck with a bunch of hot smelly Americans. But don't worry, we still smell better than the Greeks, as they have not yet discovered deodorant.
7. If you are into conditioning, this is indeed the place to come. Our aerobics course is one of the most treacherous in USAFE. It comes complete with sheep shit and pot holes.
8. Since there are no phones and no mail, trying to contact me would be futile. I look forward to your arrival and pray that you survive the trip up from Athens. If I were you I would get extra life insurance and make out my will as we have several suicides a year. Some people will complain about anything.
9. One last thought. Please enjoy your life now, because upon your arrival, life as you know it, will cease to exist…

Sincerely,

M.R. PETTERSEN, SSgt, USAF

P.S. Could you please bring me one deep dish super supreme with extra sauce, pepperonis, and cheese. Thank you!!

(Special Thanks to TSgt Rick Pittinger, for the original letter).