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TO: Mr. James Q. Smith

FROM: Trojan Condom Company
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trousers, NC 21692

Dear Mr. Smith:

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product.

A loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms, you will be the first to hear from us. We send greetings and sympathy for your lady,


Burly Dick, President

Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped packer!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
A tisket, a tasket, a condom or a CASKET!