YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NATIVE OF EAST TEXAS IF:

1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
2. You've ever used lard in bed.
3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
4. There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
5. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
6. Less than half of the cars you own run.
7. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to "kiss her ass."
8. The primary color of your car is "Bondo."
9. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
10. You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
11. Your family tree does not fork.
12. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
13. You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
14. Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
15. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
16. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
17. You have refused to watch The Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
18. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
19. You predominantly display a gift you bought at Grace land.
20. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
21. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
22. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
23. The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "what are you looking at, Shit head."
24. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
25. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
26. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
27. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening at The Lube Rack.
28. You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
29. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
30. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
31. You have a rag for a gas cap.
32. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
33. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.