There was once a young lady named Jeannie,
Who wore an outrageous bikini.
Two wisps light as air,
One here and one there,
With nothing but Jeannie betweenie!
- There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks to her.
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguished mark of his sex at her.
- There was a young fellow named Scott
Who took a girl out on his yacht--
But too lazy to rape her
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
- An ancient but jolly old bloke
Once picked up a girl for a poke;
First took down her pants,
Fucked her into a trance,
Then shit in her shoe for a joke.
- There was a young lady named Dowd
Whom a young fellow groped in the crowd.
But the thing that most vexed her
Was that when he stood next her
He said, "How's your cunt?" right out loud.
- There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honors in Divinity.
- The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts and the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking ‘em.
- Said Oscar McDingle O'Figgle
With an almost hysterical giggle,
"Last night I was sick
With delight when my prick
Felt dear Alfred's delicious ass wriggle!"
- A vice both obscure and unsavory
Kept the Bishop in Slavery:
Midst terrible howls
He deflowered young owls
In his crypt fitted out as an avery.
- A hermit who had an oasis
Thought it the best of all places:
He could pray and be calm
'Neath a pleasant date-palm
While the lice on his ballocks ran races.
- "Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,
Up my ass, up my quim,
Knees, armpits, lip rim
With your prick, but PLEASE, nothing soft."
- A preposterous King of Siam
Said, "For women I don't care a damn.
But a fat bottomed boy
Is my pride and my joy--
They call me a bugger: I am!
- There are three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em.
When that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
Pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em.
- Then up spake the Bey of Algiers,
"I've been knocking around for long years,
And my language is blunt:
A cunt IS a cunt
And fucking IS fucking"--(loud cheers).
- Hearing this, mewed the young King of Spain,
"To fuck and to bugger is shame.
But it's not INFRA DIG
To occasionally frig--
So I do it again and again."
- An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.
And between obligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes,
And keep up his strength while at work.
- It always delights me at Hanks
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"
- "Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "Is my leisure.
For then I can screw
The whole Harvard crew--
They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."
- There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of the orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it--almost!"
- There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
- Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!
So in with it, out with it,
Lord work his will with it!
Never a day we don't do it again!
- There was a debauched little wench
Whom nothing could ever make blench.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
- There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
- There was a young maid named Clottery
Who was having a fuck on a rockery.
She said, "Listen, chum,
You've come on my bum!
This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery."
- A sweet young strip-dancer named Jane
Wore five inches of thin cellophane.
When asked why she wore it
She said, "I abhor it,
But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."
- An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack-off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
Imported a Birmingham can,
Which he set as a thrown
On a great Buddha stone--
But he crapped out-of-doors like a man.
- A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.
She preferred it in bed
To the Count, so she said,
Being longer, and stronger, and moister.
- A lady on climbing Mount Shasta
Complained as the mountain grew vaster,
That it wasn't the climb
Nor the dirt and the grime,
But the ice on her ass that harassed her.
- When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, "How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
- If Leo's your own birthday marks
You will fuck until 40, when starts
A new pleasure in stamps,
Boy Scouts and their camps,
And fondling nude statues in parks.
- There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
That before he could shack
He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
- There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He was draped like a tree
Having failed to foresee
Being pissed on by dogs, cats, and all.
- A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
For the pitch of her organ went tinny.
- "'Tis my custom," said dear Lady Norris,
"To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries.
When they get out to piss
I see things that I miss
At the wheel of my two-seater Morris."
- A mediaevil recluse named Sissions
Was alarmed by his nightly ommissions.
His cell-mate, a sod,
Said, "Leave it to God,"
And taught him some nifty positions.
- In the city of Paris are wives
Who, when not scratching their hives,
Are waiting for tourists
Who might act as purists
And give them the ride of their lives.
- There was a young artist named Frentzel
Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil.
He pricked through an actress,
The sheet and the mattress,
And busted the bedroom utensil.
- All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
- The prior of Dunstan St. Just,
Consumed with erotical lust,
Raped the bishop's prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls
And a little green lizard, that bust.
- "In my salad days," said Lady Bierly,
"I took my cocks fairly and squarely.
But now when they come
They go right up my bum--
And that only happens but rarely."
- The Marquesa de Excusador
Used to pee on the drawing-room floor,
For the can was so cold
And when one grows old
To be much alone is a bore.
- "It's been a very full day,"
Yawned Lady Mary McDougle McKay.
"Three cherry tarts,
At least twenty farts,
Two shits and a bloody fine lay."
- An elderly pervert in Nice
Who was long past wanting a piece
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.
- "Great God!" wailed Peter McGuff.
"What the devil is all of this stuff!
She twiddles my prick,
Gets it stiff as a stick,
And denies me the use of her muff."
- There was a young parson named Binns
Who talked about woman and things.
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
- There was a young Scot of Delray
Who buggered his father one day,
Saying, "I like it rather
To stuff it up father;
He's clean--and there's nothing to pay."
- There was an old man of Dundee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
- There was an old critic named West
Whose penis came up to his chest.
He said, "I declare,
I have no pubic hair."
So he covered his nuts with his vest.
- The nephew of one of the Czars
Used to suck off Rasputin at Yars,
Till the peasants revolted,
The royal family bolted--
Now they're under the sickle and stars.
- There was a young lady named Alice
Who was having a piss in a chalice.
"What a stunt," said a monk,
"To twiddle your cunt,
Not through need but through Protestant malice."
- There was a young student named Howells
Shot his sperm o'er a young coed's bowels.
He said, "I regret
That I've made you so wet--
And I fear I am quite out of towels."
- There was an old man who could piss
Through a ring--and what's more, never miss.
Marksmen queued up to cheer,
Brought him beer after beer,
And swore oaths on his urinal hiss.
- There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To--I won't say a bitch--
But a woman of NO reputation.
- A passionate red-headed girl,
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her twat would get wet
And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
- There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
- To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
- There was a young fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand
But just look at my hand!
You ain't wiping as clean as you used to."
- There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous--
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
- A cretin who lived in an attic
Was fallaciously rated as static;
But how little they knew--
His knob was not blue--
But hoary and necrophilatic.
- There was a young girl of Dundee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid--
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.
- There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At this horrible lack of precision.
- When a lecherous curate at Leeds
Was discovered, one day, in the weeds
Astride a young nun,
He said, "Christ, this is fun!
Far better than telling one's beads!"
- There was a young lady of Crewe
Whose cherry a chap had got through--
Which she told to her mother
Who fixed her another
Out of rubber and red ink and glue.
- There was a young dancer, Priscilla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.
- There once was a cuntlapper's daughter
Who, despite all her father had taught her,
Would become so unstrung
At the touch of a tongue
That she'd deluge her beau with her water.
- There was a young girl in Alsace
Who was having her first piece of ass.
"Oh, darling, you'll kill me!
Oh, dearest, you thrill me
Like Father John's thumb after mass!"
- A modern young lady named Hall
Went out to a birth-control ball.
She was loaded with pessaries
And other accessories,
But no one approached her at all.
- A handsome young monk in a wood
Told a girl she should cling to the good.
She obeyed him, and gladly;
He repulsed her, but sadly;
"My dear, you have misunderstood."
- There was a young man of St. Johns
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
"Oh no," said the porter,
"You bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons."
- There was a young man from Axminster
Whose designs were quite base and quite sinister.
His lifelong ambition
Was anal coition
With the wife of the French foreign minister.
- A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire a shit out of malice.
While this worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
- "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now DO something--there's a good boy!"
- There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit;
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
- And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
He could diddle a midge
Or the arch of a bridge--
Their performance together was grand!
- There was a young lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
- A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.
- There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
- There was a young girl whose divinity
Preserved her in perfect virginity,
Till a candle, her nemesis,
Caused parthenogenesis--
Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.
- In the reign of King George the Third,
The fashionable fuck was a bird:
The hole of a sparrow
Was dry, pink and narrow,
And was oiled with hummingbirds' turd.
- There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
- "The testes are coolor outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride.
"For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
- There was an old parson of Lundy
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
He awoke with a scream:
"What, another wet dream!
That's what comes from not frigging since Monday."
- Said Edna St. Vincent Millay
As she lay in the hay all asplay,
"If you can make wine
From these grapes, I opine,
We'll stay in this barn until May."
Had a cock that could sing LA PALOMA,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
- The grand-niece of Madame Du Barry
Suspected her son was a fairy.
"It's peculiar," said she,
"But he sits down to pee,
And stands when I bathe the canary."
- A gentleman living in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she acted in life."
- While pissing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
It fell off and sank
In the sea--'twas his own fault for dozin'!
- When a girl, young Elizabeth Barrett
Was found by her Ma in a garret,
She had shoved up a diamond
As far as her hymen,
And was ramming it home with a carrot.
- There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own ass in defiance
Not only of habit
And morals but-- damn it!--
Most of the known laws of science.
- There was a young lady of Cheam
Who crept into the vestry unseen.
She pulled down her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's,
And said, "How about it, old bean?"
- "At a seance," said a young man named Post,
"I was being sucked off by a ghost;
Someone switched on the lights
And there in gauze tights,
On his knees, was Tobias mine host."
- In his garden remarked Lord Larkeeling:
"A fig for your digging and weeding.
I like watching birds
Whilele they're dropping their turds,
And spying on guinea pigs breeding."
- There was a young girl of Kilkenny
On whose genital parts there were many
Venereal growths--
The result of wild oats
Sown there by a fellow named Benny.
- The modern cinematic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual
masturbatorium.
- When Brother John wanted a screw
He would stuff a fat cat in a shoe,
Pull up his cassock
And kneel on a hassock
While doing his damndest to mew.
- "It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota,
Of spirit there's not an iota--"
Complained Alice to Joe
Who tried not to show
That he yawned in her snatch as he blowed her.
- The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
When the nautch asked the Shah,
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
- There was a young curate of Eltham
Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.
In lanes he would linger
And play at stick-finger,
And scream with delight when he smelt 'em.
- There were some young maidens of Birmingham
And this is the scandal concerning 'em:
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop involved in confirming 'em.
- Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd been to a good public school)
So he lowered their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.
- When the Bishop was tired and through,
The girls said, "You're not bad, 'tis true--
But the Vicar is slicker
And quicker and thicker
And longer and stronger than you."
-
A big-bosomed barmaid from Gillingham
Poisoned oglers’ glasses whilst filling ‘em.
When the cops asked her why,
She replied with a sigh,
“I just prefer killing ‘em to thrilling ‘em.”
