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  • Cover Story

There was once a young lady named Jeannie,

Who wore an outrageous bikini.

Two wisps light as air,

One here and one there,

With nothing but Jeannie betweenie!

  • There was a young lady of Exeter,

So pretty, that men craned their necks to her.

One went so far

As to wave from his car

The distinguished mark of his sex at her.

  • There was a young fellow named Scott

Who took a girl out on his yacht--

But too lazy to rape her

He made darts of brown paper,

Which he languidly tossed at her twat.

  • An ancient but jolly old bloke

Once picked up a girl for a poke;

First took down her pants,

Fucked her into a trance,

Then shit in her shoe for a joke.

  • There was a young lady named Dowd

Whom a young fellow groped in the crowd.

But the thing that most vexed her

Was that when he stood next her

He said, "How's your cunt?" right out loud.

  • There was a young student of Trinity

Who shattered his sister's virginity.

He buggered his brother,

Had twins by his mother,

And took double honors in Divinity.

  • The gay young Duke of Buckingham

Stood on the bridge at Rockingham

Watching the stunts

Of the cunts and the punts

And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking ‘em.

  • Said Oscar McDingle O'Figgle

With an almost hysterical giggle,

"Last night I was sick

With delight when my prick

Felt dear Alfred's delicious ass wriggle!"

  • A vice both obscure and unsavory

Kept the Bishop in Slavery:

Midst terrible howls

He deflowered young owls

In his crypt fitted out as an avery.

  • A hermit who had an oasis

Thought it the best of all places:

He could pray and be calm

'Neath a pleasant date-palm

While the lice on his ballocks ran races.

  • "Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft

In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,

Up my ass, up my quim,

Knees, armpits, lip rim

With your prick, but PLEASE, nothing soft."

  • A preposterous King of Siam

Said, "For women I don't care a damn.

But a fat bottomed boy

Is my pride and my joy--

They call me a bugger: I am!

  • There are three ladies of Huxham,

And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em.

When that game grows stale

We sits on a rail,

Pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em.

  • Then up spake the Bey of Algiers,

"I've been knocking around for long years,

And my language is blunt:

A cunt IS a cunt

And fucking IS fucking"--(loud cheers).

  • Hearing this, mewed the young King of Spain,

"To fuck and to bugger is shame.

But it's not INFRA DIG

To occasionally frig--

So I do it again and again."

  • An organist playing in York

Had a prick that could hold a small fork.

And between obligatos

He'd munch at tomatoes,

And keep up his strength while at work.

  • It always delights me at Hanks

To walk up the old river banks.

One time in the grass

I stepped on an ass,

And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"

  • "Far dearer to me than my treasure,"

The heiress declared, "Is my leisure.

For then I can screw

The whole Harvard crew--

They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."

  • There was a young man from the Coast

Who had an affair with a ghost.

At the height of the orgasm

Said the pallid phantasm,

"I think I can feel it--almost!"

  • There was a young lady from Kew

Who filled her vagina with glue.

She said with a grin,

"If they pay to get in,

They'll pay to get out of it too."

  • Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,

To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!

So in with it, out with it,

Lord work his will with it!

Never a day we don't do it again!

  • There was a debauched little wench

Whom nothing could ever make blench.

She admitted men's poles,

At all possible holes,

And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

  • There was a young man of Coblenz

Whose ballocks were simply immense:

It took forty-four draymen,

A priest and three laymen

To carry them thither and thence.

  • There was a young maid named Clottery

Who was having a fuck on a rockery.

She said, "Listen, chum,

You've come on my bum!

This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery."

  • A sweet young strip-dancer named Jane

Wore five inches of thin cellophane.

When asked why she wore it

She said, "I abhor it,

But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."

  • An agreeable girl named Miss Doves

Likes to jack-off the young men she loves.

She will use her bare fist

If the fellows insist

But she really prefers to wear gloves.

  • The Rajah of Afghanistan

Imported a Birmingham can,

Which he set as a thrown

On a great Buddha stone--

But he crapped out-of-doors like a man.

  • A scandal involving an oyster

Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.

She preferred it in bed

To the Count, so she said,

Being longer, and stronger, and moister.

  • A lady on climbing Mount Shasta

Complained as the mountain grew vaster,

That it wasn't the climb

Nor the dirt and the grime,

But the ice on her ass that harassed her.

  • When a woman in strapless attire

Found her breasts working higher and higher,

A guest, with great feeling,

Exclaimed, "How appealing!

Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"

  • If Leo's your own birthday marks

You will fuck until 40, when starts

A new pleasure in stamps,

Boy Scouts and their camps,

And fondling nude statues in parks.

  • There was a young blade from South Greece

Whose bush did so greatly increase

That before he could shack

He must hunt needle in stack.

'Twas as bad as being obese.

  • There was a young man of Bengal

Who went to a fancy dress ball.

He was draped like a tree

Having failed to foresee

Being pissed on by dogs, cats, and all.

  • A maiden who lived in Virginny

Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.

The hunting set chased her,

Fucked, buggered, then dropped her

For the pitch of her organ went tinny.

  • "'Tis my custom," said dear Lady Norris,

"To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries.

When they get out to piss

I see things that I miss

At the wheel of my two-seater Morris."

  • A mediaevil recluse named Sissions

Was alarmed by his nightly ommissions.

His cell-mate, a sod,

Said, "Leave it to God,"

And taught him some nifty positions.

  • In the city of Paris are wives

Who, when not scratching their hives,

Are waiting for tourists

Who might act as purists

And give them the ride of their lives.

  • There was a young artist named Frentzel

Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil.

He pricked through an actress,

The sheet and the mattress,

And busted the bedroom utensil.

  • All the lady-apes ran from King Kong

For his dong was unspeakably long.

But a friendly giraffe

Quaffed his yard and a half,

And ecstatically burst into song.

  • The prior of Dunstan St. Just,

Consumed with erotical lust,

Raped the bishop's prize fowls,

Buggered four startled owls

And a little green lizard, that bust.

  • "In my salad days," said Lady Bierly,

"I took my cocks fairly and squarely.

But now when they come

They go right up my bum--

And that only happens but rarely."

  • The Marquesa de Excusador

Used to pee on the drawing-room floor,

For the can was so cold

And when one grows old

To be much alone is a bore.

  • "It's been a very full day,"

Yawned Lady Mary McDougle McKay.

"Three cherry tarts,

At least twenty farts,

Two shits and a bloody fine lay."

  • An elderly pervert in Nice

Who was long past wanting a piece

Would jack-off his hogs,

His cows and his dogs,

Till his parrot called in the police.

  • "Great God!" wailed Peter McGuff.

"What the devil is all of this stuff!

She twiddles my prick,

Gets it stiff as a stick,

And denies me the use of her muff."

  • There was a young parson named Binns

Who talked about woman and things.

But his secret desire

Was a boy in the choir

With a bottom like jelly on springs.

  • There was a young Scot of Delray

Who buggered his father one day,

Saying, "I like it rather

To stuff it up father;

He's clean--and there's nothing to pay."

  • There was an old man of Dundee

Who came home as drunk as could be.

He wound up the clock

With the end of his cock,

And buggered his wife with the key.

  • There was an old critic named West

Whose penis came up to his chest.

He said, "I declare,

I have no pubic hair."

So he covered his nuts with his vest.

  • The nephew of one of the Czars

Used to suck off Rasputin at Yars,

Till the peasants revolted,

The royal family bolted--

Now they're under the sickle and stars.

  • There was a young lady named Alice

Who was having a piss in a chalice.

"What a stunt," said a monk,

"To twiddle your cunt,

Not through need but through Protestant malice."

  • There was a young student named Howells

Shot his sperm o'er a young coed's bowels.

He said, "I regret

That I've made you so wet--

And I fear I am quite out of towels."

  • There was an old man who could piss

Through a ring--and what's more, never miss.

Marksmen queued up to cheer,

Brought him beer after beer,

And swore oaths on his urinal hiss.

  • There was a young man of high station

Who was found by a pious relation

Making love in a ditch

To--I won't say a bitch--

But a woman of NO reputation.

  • A passionate red-headed girl,

When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,

And her twat would get wet

And would wiggle and fret,

And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.

  • There was a young man from Lynn

Whose cock was the size of a pin.

Said his girl with a laugh

As she fondled his staff,

"This won't be much of a sin."

  • To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!

Your cunt is as big as a dish!"

She replied, "Why, you fool,

With your limp little tool

It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

  • There was a young fellow named Brewster

Who said to his wife as he goosed her,

"It used to be grand

But just look at my hand!

You ain't wiping as clean as you used to."

  • There was a young girl named McCall

Whose cunt was exceedingly small,

But the size of her anus

Was something quite heinous--

It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

  • A cretin who lived in an attic

Was fallaciously rated as static;

But how little they knew--

His knob was not blue--

But hoary and necrophilatic.

  • There was a young girl of Dundee

Who was raped by an ape in a tree.

The result was most horrid--

All ass and no forehead,

Three balls and a purple goatee.

  • There once was a gay young Parisian

Who screwed an appendix incision,

And the girl of his choice

Could hardly rejoice

At this horrible lack of precision.

  • When a lecherous curate at Leeds

Was discovered, one day, in the weeds

Astride a young nun,

He said, "Christ, this is fun!

Far better than telling one's beads!"

  • There was a young lady of Crewe

Whose cherry a chap had got through--

Which she told to her mother

Who fixed her another

Out of rubber and red ink and glue.

  • There was a young dancer, Priscilla,

Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.

The taste was so fine,

Men and beasts stood in line,

Including a stud armadilla.

  • There once was a cuntlapper's daughter

Who, despite all her father had taught her,

Would become so unstrung

At the touch of a tongue

That she'd deluge her beau with her water.

  • There was a young girl in Alsace

Who was having her first piece of ass.

"Oh, darling, you'll kill me!

Oh, dearest, you thrill me

Like Father John's thumb after mass!"

  • A modern young lady named Hall

Went out to a birth-control ball.

She was loaded with pessaries

And other accessories,

But no one approached her at all.

  • A handsome young monk in a wood

Told a girl she should cling to the good.

She obeyed him, and gladly;

He repulsed her, but sadly;

"My dear, you have misunderstood."

  • There was a young man of St. Johns

Who wanted to bugger the swans.

"Oh no," said the porter,

"You bugger my daughter,

Them swans is reserved for the Dons."

  • There was a young man from Axminster

Whose designs were quite base and quite sinister.

His lifelong ambition

Was anal coition

With the wife of the French foreign minister.

  • A team playing baseball in Dallas

Called the umpire a shit out of malice.

While this worthy had fits,

The team made eight hits

And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.

  • "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,

"You have told me my bosom is snowy;

You have made much fine verse on

Each part of my person,

Now DO something--there's a good boy!"

  • There was a young girl of Detroit

Who at fucking was very adroit;

She could squeeze her vagina

To a pin-point, or finer,

Or open it out like a quoit.

  • And she had a friend named Durand

Whose cock could contract or expand.

He could diddle a midge

Or the arch of a bridge--

Their performance together was grand!

  • There was a young lady named Hall

Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.

The dress caught on fire

And burned her entire

Front page, sporting section, and all.

  • A disgusting young man named McGill

Made his neighbors exceedingly ill

When they learned of his habits

Involving white rabbits

And a bird with a flexible bill.

  • There was a young fellow from Leeds

Who swallowed a package of seeds.

Great tufts of grass

Sprouted out of his ass

And his balls were all covered with weeds.

  • There was a young girl whose divinity

Preserved her in perfect virginity,

Till a candle, her nemesis,

Caused parthenogenesis--

Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.

  • In the reign of King George the Third,

The fashionable fuck was a bird:

The hole of a sparrow

Was dry, pink and narrow,

And was oiled with hummingbirds' turd.

  • There was a young lady named Nelly

Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.

They could tickle her twat,

Or be tied in a knot,

And could even swat flies on her belly.

  • "The testes are coolor outside,"

Said the doc to the curious bride.

"For the semen must not

Get too fucking hot,

And the bag fans your bum on the ride."

  • There was an old parson of Lundy

Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.

He awoke with a scream:

"What, another wet dream!

That's what comes from not frigging since Monday."

  • Said Edna St. Vincent Millay

As she lay in the hay all asplay,

"If you can make wine

From these grapes, I opine,

We'll stay in this barn until May."

  • A chap down in Oklahoma

Had a cock that could sing LA PALOMA,

But the sweetness of pitch

Couldn't put off the hitch

Of impotence, size and aroma.

  • The grand-niece of Madame Du Barry

Suspected her son was a fairy.

"It's peculiar," said she,

"But he sits down to pee,

And stands when I bathe the canary."

  • A gentleman living in Fife

Made love to the corpse of his wife.

"How could I know, Judge?

She was cold, did not budge--

Just the same as she acted in life."

  • While pissing on deck, an old boatswain

Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.

It snapped at the shank,

It fell off and sank

In the sea--'twas his own fault for dozin'!

  • When a girl, young Elizabeth Barrett

Was found by her Ma in a garret,

She had shoved up a diamond

As far as her hymen,

And was ramming it home with a carrot.

  • There was a young fellow of Mayence

Who fucked his own ass in defiance

Not only of habit

And morals but-- damn it!--

Most of the known laws of science.

  • There was a young lady of Cheam

Who crept into the vestry unseen.

She pulled down her knickers,

Likewise the vicar's,

And said, "How about it, old bean?"

  • "At a seance," said a young man named Post,

"I was being sucked off by a ghost;

Someone switched on the lights

And there in gauze tights,

On his knees, was Tobias mine host."

  • In his garden remarked Lord Larkeeling:

"A fig for your digging and weeding.

I like watching birds

Whilele they're dropping their turds,

And spying on guinea pigs breeding."

  • There was a young girl of Kilkenny

On whose genital parts there were many

Venereal growths--

The result of wild oats

Sown there by a fellow named Benny.

  • The modern cinematic emporium

Is not just a super-sensorium

But a highly effectual


Mutual masturbatorium.

  • When Brother John wanted a screw

He would stuff a fat cat in a shoe,

Pull up his cassock

And kneel on a hassock

While doing his damndest to mew.

  • "It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota,

Of spirit there's not an iota--"

Complained Alice to Joe

Who tried not to show

That he yawned in her snatch as he blowed her.

  • The Shah of the Empire of Persia

Lay for days in a sexual merger.

When the nautch asked the Shah,

"Won't you ever withdraw?"

He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."

  • There was a young curate of Eltham

Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.

In lanes he would linger

And play at stick-finger,

And scream with delight when he smelt 'em.

  • There were some young maidens of Birmingham

And this is the scandal concerning 'em:

They lifted the frock

And tickled the cock

Of the Bishop involved in confirming 'em.

  • Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool

(He'd been to a good public school)

So he lowered their britches

And buggered those bitches

With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

  • When the Bishop was tired and through,

The girls said, "You're not bad, 'tis true--

But the Vicar is slicker

And quicker and thicker

And longer and stronger than you."

  • A big-bosomed barmaid from Gillingham

    Poisoned oglers’ glasses whilst filling ‘em.

    When the cops asked her why,

    She replied with a sigh,

    “I just prefer killing ‘em to thrilling ‘em.”

    • Thanks to Mike Forshaw for this one