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From: PATRICK LONG

To: ALL

Subj: The Dark Computer

Numb: 4268 of 4268 Date: 06/05/96 4:59am

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Conf: 42 - GROANERS WLDNET Private: NO

To: ALL

Subject: The Dark Computer

The Dark Computer

The Dark Computer is a technological breakthrough destined to eclipse the recently announced Light computer. The Dark Computer results from years of study, research and developments in the dark. It is faster than the light computer because dark travels faster than light. (Proof: Before light gets anywhere dark is already there!)

The Dark Computer uses the newly discovered subatomic particle, the dark quark. Our research has determined that two dark quarks combine to form the basic elementary particle of darkness, the offon. Three dark quarks combine to form the elementary particle of management, the moron.

The Dark Computer requires very little power, so little, in fact that it is completely powered by a single lunar cell (similar to the solar cell, but more efficient in dark conditions).

A complete bundled software package, developed at the Arizona University of Mimes Night School, comes with each Dark Computer. The software includes DOS (Dark Operating System), Lunar-C (a quick & dirty C compiler), Duskbase-V (an irrational database), and NADA (an object oriented programming language). Some of the special hardware features of the Dark Computer are:

  • Multiple shift registers for right-shift, left-shift, and night-shift.
  • One biggabyte of memory composed entirely of shadow RAM with fully dissociative outer cache.
  • Music Synthesizers with demonstration tunes such as Moonlight Sonata, Dark Eyes, and In the still of the Night (which is not a hillbilly song)
  • Surreal-time Clock with granularity of 28 days (known as 1 lunar tick).
  • A display composed of one million (1000x1000) DEDís (Dark Emitting Diodes). These are similar to LEDís (Light Emitting Diodes) in the same way that electron-flow theory resembles hole-flow theory.

The MLB Dark Computer is especially useful for such applications as black hole research, dark side of the forces commutations, blindfold tests, vampire tracking, and mushroom management. Military applications include SDI, Stealth Research, and RFP generation. The Dark Computer is powerful enough to handle computations on matter, anti-matter, and doesn't matter.

Don't be left in the light! Get a Dark Computer for your company and keep all your employees in the dark!

 

Old Hardware engineers never die ń they just cache in their chips.